A View From the Mop

Contests & My Teeth
By Jove "Lanky" Lank

Monica and me we eat a lot of bread that has been kept in a ball, we have balled it up with our fists, because that keeps it from getting dried out. It is mushy as shit that way, but if the bread gets dried out then we have to crunch through it and Monica and me, we have terrible teeth. Hell, most of my teeth are near gone. My whistle sounds like wind. I need to get them fixed, my teeth, but they cost me too much. Do you know how much they will charge you for one goddamn tooth?

And then I clean this place tonight and what do I see but a stack of checks, a bunch of paper that people have signed and what is it for? So that these idiots here they will read some asshole's story. People pay money to this office, the place Monica and I clean every day, all so that some tight-ass in a suit or a tie or a collared shirt will read their writing and write something back. And I have read what they write back too, like "this needs work, but good effort." Hell, I could write that much and I'm half stupid.

So yeah, send me a check. Goddamn. Send me your pennies and your nickels. I'm not too proud to sit under a tree and put coins into those rolls you get from the bank. I don't mind spending lunch with Monica eating balled up bread and making stacks of pennies. And I will be happy to write you something back. It's not a contest and you can't win anything by paying me, but I will read what you write if you send me a few bucks. I will even say what I think. I am not a good reader but I know about stories and I can say more than just "this needs work, but good effort". And it will maybe be enough to fix my teeth, if everyone sends me a few coins with a paper or two. Send away, because I am tired of chewing just on this one side.

Did You Know...

...Jack Laviolette holds the record for the most times urinating in the Stanley Cup?

LWOT Presents: Free Stuff!

OK, so it's more like Mud Luscious Press presents: free stuff, but we're telling you about it/taking credit for it anyway.

J.A. Tyler, Canada's answer to Stephen Leacock, brings the latest offering by former

heavyweight champion Charles Lennox. A Field of Colours is the riveting tale of something, but best of all it's free from the country's greatest small press.

To get your free copy of this extranormal chapbook send an electronic mail communique to author@aboutjatyler.com. Make sure to include your mailing address and while you're at sign up for a complimentary subscription for the low, low price of $36. The subscription entitles you to 18 volumes of ML Press greatness plus their first novella.

If you get one free chapbook by Charles Lennox this year, make it this one.

Did You Know...

...6 out of 10 anglophones can't spell misanthrope?

Did You Know...

...Chasing Amy is the second highest grossing non-pornographic movie about lesbians and comic books starring Ben Affleck and Jason Lee?

Northern deLights

Truck-cessories
By Ashley Keeble


I’m writing this on my blackberry in the waiting room of Andy’s Auto Glass.

My assignment: to blog on the current explosion of culture in Canada’s fastest growing, Fort McMurray, Alberta. My employers assure me this frontier U-turn will soon rival the likes of Thunder Bay, Sherbrooke, and Brandon as a Canadian cultural epicentre.

Highway 63, connecting Fort Mac with Edmonton, is a veritable runway whereupon the latest trends in truck fashion are flaunted. On this runway, it’s all about accessories. I compare it to dressing up a suit: A man needs the right tie; the right pocket square; the right shoes and cufflinks, because every suit is essentially the same (I’d be going to fashion hell for making that statement if I weren’t already here). Likewise, when outfitting his truck, a man needs the accessories that best express who he is because he has such a limited choice in body style – Chevrolet or Ford only! Foreign trucks are so gauche here.

The current hot trend in truck accessories: Truck Nutz, because there’s no better way to express manliness than a set of metal testicles hanging off your trailer hitch. Andy here at the shop says Truck Nutz are uber chic this season (my words, not his). He goes on to say that while such things are not his bag (his words; I would never make that joke) it is not at all overkill to attach a giant set of copper cajones to a truck with sixty inch tires, two snowmobiles in the bed, and a cowcatcher/winch on the front bumper.

Do they look good? I admit I was so entranced by the shiny set of stones adorning the monster Ford in front of me that when it came to an abrupt stop, they tea-bagged the windshield of my Prius. The damage was considerable, because as the website touts, Truck Nutz are guaranteed not to break under the lifetime “Takes a licking” guarantee.

Andy predicts that next season’s discriminating truck-cessorizers will opt for semi-truck-style exhaust stacks.

Did You Know...

...Ron James is terrible?

LWOT Condemns...

...the CBC for giving more air time to Ron James. 

In what can only be an attempt by the public broadcaster to show how devastating theit latest attempts to save money have been, the CBC will include James' latest offering in the their fall lineup.

The man Gradey Alexander once referred to as "about as funny as my latest prostate issues, if my prostate grated on the nerves with inane chatter and an imbecilick accent. How his meager talents have managed to propel him onto the national stage boggles the mind, much in the same way my enlarged prostate has boggled my ability to get an accurate read on my urinary needs," has somehow finagled his way onto TV for another chance to dig a deeper pit in which to bury Canadian television. 

While it is still unclear how James' unique brand of comedic hackery will save the struggling network, the LWOT editors assume it won't be good.

A View From the Mop

Bookmarks & Jesus
By Jove "Lanky" Lank

I am eating half of a sandwich that one of these the guys who work here left on his desk when he took off in his BMW or his fancy-pants car that probably has seats that warm themselves of some other goddamn thing. I drive an American eagle. Tan. Hell of a car. Chugs gas like a champ and takes all those hills like it was dying. A car I can relate to, my car, old and built to last like me and my Monica, the way we keep going on no matter what.

This thing is roast beef and with some kind of dipping thing that was left in one of those Styrofoam containers, and it was still warm when I touched it and I’m not picky anyway, because Monica her cooking is sh_t. She cleans good and makes half our money so I eat nice and try not to say anything bad about her. Monica, always in the kitchen bent over the stove. Je__s.

But I spill which isn’t that big of a thing anyway because here I am with half a half-eaten sandwich in my mouth and holding in my hands the rags and a bottle of cleaner so really a spill here is nothing, especially like now, when no one is around and you can eat their leftover food and whatnot. But of course like it would it spills out and onto their paperwork which tonight is all of these g__d_mn bookmarks. Bookmarks for everything, stamped and written on and with all kinds of drawings and pictures. Like anyone cares about marking a book anyway. H_ll, I don’t even read that much, what in god’s name do they need so many bookmarks for?

So some make it into the trash, they won’t miss them. Must be a dozen or more bookmarks on this one desk alone. Like they read that much, these a__holes that work here. They don’t read, they eat sandwiches. That’s what they do, all these people here before they leave in their slick little cars going home to their mansions. Bookmark me here, how about that, otherwise I have to go home to Monica’s green chile again. J__us.

Did You Know...

...the diaphragm is the only birth control method approved by the Catholic church?

LWOT asks...

...does Michael Chabon's website suck or is it a work of genius?

First appearing in the pages of Lies With Occasional Truth in 1934, "LWOT asks " gave readers a chance to voice their opinions on a variety of subjects considered "important" to the magazine's sexiest readers. The most popular questions elicited thousands of repsonse letters. LWOT continues the tradition with the fabled feature's inclusion on the world's greatest web log and invites readers to respond the pressing questions in the post's comment section. 

Did You Know...

...Richard Bachman is the second best selling novelist of all time in Fiji?

Yes We Can't

Those who can do. Those who can't give up and move on to something else. 

They also teach. 

As Canada's foremost purveyors of literay wisdom the LWOT editors announce the launch of the LWOT Writing School. In a re-imagining of the original LWOT School for the Literarily Inept, the LWOTWS provides writers with expert tutelage in their pursuit of fame from the wrtitten word. 

Based out of the magazine's world headquarters in Moncton, N.B. the LWOTWS will send one of our skilled tutors to your home where they will mentor you in the ways of the pen for one week*. Your LWOTWS tutor will bask in the warm glow of your guest room or couch as they study every aspect of your life in search of the key to unlocking your inner Ernest Buckler. 

During our tutor's stay, they will prod you with gentle criticism while feasting on the leftovers in your fridge. Daily sessions will teach you how to hone your skills, sharpen your prose and entertain a house guest. 

There are a limited number of tutoring sessions available this year so book early by emailing us at lwoteditors@gmail.com**.

*One business week, not calendar week.

**The $10,000 tutoring fee does not include round-trip airfare for the LWOTWS instructor. Price of airfare may vary depending on the season and your distance from Moncton. 

100 Years of Greatness/Awfulness

In honour of LWOT's 100th year of publishing greatness, the editors compiled a list of the 100 greatest and 100 worst things the human race witnessed during the periodical's tenure as the world's greatest fiction magazine.

For suspensful purposes and due to our eccentric nature, the list will be drawn out as a 10-20 part series.

And now emulate the greats by reading:

The 100 Greatest Things

59. The HMS Hood

58. Schwartz's Montreal Hebrew Delicatessen: Although we have a hard time believing Rusty Staub ate there, not much can beat Schwartz's smoked meat. 

57. Supermarine Spitfire

56. Sleeman's Honey Brown Lager

55. Nestel Quick 

The 100 Worst Things

59. Spray on hair

58. Veggie burgers

57. Harlequin Romance: The literary version of tribbles. They might look good on the outside, but there are so many of them they have no value. They also make Klingons mad.

56. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

55. William Lyon MacKenzie King: He robbed Arthur Meighen of his rightful place as Prime Minister.

Stop the Press

From visionary raconteur J. A. Tyler comes the latest bout of small, tightly packed fiction at Mud Luscious Press. For a limited time only, ML Press, known affectionately as "the Lush", is selling six-month subscriptions for $36.  For less than the price of a cup of coffee a day, you could own 18 chapbooks. 

But wait, there's more. 

If you buy the six-month subscription, "The Lush" will throw in its first perfect bound novella. 

Don't delay. Order now.

Did You Know...

...98 per cent of all virgins have never done business with Richard Branson?

A View From the Mop

Pose-Modern & Monica
By Jove "Lanky" Lank

My girl Monica, she doesn’t speak a g__mn word of english, but she cleans toilets pretty good. She wears a straw hat when she vacuums and the people around here when they stay late they try to be nice, say hi, but they always call her Maria. She doesn’t understand a g___mn word they say to her so she just says hi, hola, and goes back to the toilets and the backpack vacuum.

Tonight on a desk I was cleaning with a rag and a bottle in my hands I saw this thing said pose-modern or I don’t know what but I can’t tell who the f__k cares about this shit when the governments are bailing out all the car-makers and banks. An uncle I have was replaced by a robot that turns screws and my grandfather had to go when they figured out that all the s__t he did was s__t anyone else could do but for probably cheaper. I clean the s__t here but who knows for how long.

But this pose-modern thing or whatever it was, I picked it up like I do around here, pick up people’s things when they aren’t looking and shake them sometimes, this stack of pages I sat and read because it looked rough like it had a real going over from the a__holes around this pretend office and I couldn’t find my way out of it. Crows and fish and rocks and people without names, all this her and him and she and whatever.

I’ve never seen a moon that is a fish or any g___amn thing. Every time I look at the moon its either full or its not or it is a sliver. And yes it shines but it isn’t a lighthouse or a woman’s face or a door to some place. Pose-modern I don’t even know what the f__k that means when people are losing their jobs and my girl Monica is stuck wiping up toilets for people who think her name is Maria but don’t care anyway because she just smiles and waves to them with her pudgy little fingers. J__us f__k C__st.

Jove 'Lanky' Lank is one of LWOT's oldest employees and has been cleaning the office since 1967 when he immigrated to Canada from Australia. His rantings first appeared in the pages of LWOT in the April 1974 issue as punishment for accidentally throwing out one of Gradey Alexander's manuscripts. Alexander beleived the embarassment at seeing the "lunatic ravings that are about as palatable as a teaspoon of cat litter mixed with acorns" would lead the janitor to quit in disgrace. Instead "A View From The Mop" went on to become one of the magazine's most popular features. 

Jared Young Gets Interviewed

LWOT Editor Jared Young is interviewed in the latest issue of On Spec Magazine. Peer into the dark psyche of one-half of the eponymous LWOT braintrust, and behold such terrifying insights as:

"You know how Michael Jordan was a great basketball player, but he always wanted to be a great baseball player? But then it turned out that he really sucked at baseball? That’s kind of like me. I write, but my secret second passion is comic book art. I’d love to write or draw comics for a living."

Cringe at such disturbing revelations as:

"When I was in junior high I was obsessed with Michael Crichton. I used to write airport paperback novels. I’d design the covers with a little picture and my name in massive letters."

Not yet frightened away? Then buy On Spec, the World's Second Greatest Fiction Magazine, on newsstands now.

Knowledge Is Power

Ever wonder when LWOT published it's first issue or how many of Farley Mowatt's ties we have behind glass in our office? The world's greatest fiction magazine has expanded its presence on the Interweb with LWOTepidia: The World's Greatest Wiki. As valued members of the LWOT Army we invite you to join us in celebrating all things occasionally truthful as we chronicle the world's greatest fiction magazine's achievements over the last century. Learn about the fabled magazine as we build an extensive collection of LWOT "facts" in the largest repository of lies with occasional truthness since former editor Michael Millbury's failed 42 volume Encyclopedia LWOTica.

100 Years of Greatness/Awfulness

In honour of LWOT's 100th year of publishing greatness, the editors compiled a list of the 100 greatest and 100 worst things the human race witnessed during the periodical's tenure as the world's greatest fiction magazine.

For suspensful purposes and due to our eccentric nature, the list will be drawn out as a 10-20 part series.

And now, enjoy:

The 100 Greatest Things

64. Talkies

63. The slide rule

62. Stu "The Kid" Ungar: He once took Darren O'Groussny for $27,000 in a hand at the Bellagio.

61. Star Wars ASCII: It's like Star Wars, only is ASCII form. Just type telnet towel.blinkenlights.nl in the "run" option on your computer. 

60. Turtle neck sweaters

The 100 Worst Things

64. Jiffy Lube: It's not as exciting as it sounds.

63. The Fox Puck: For everyone who was incapable of grasping the simple concept of following a black puck on a white sheet of ice. As Mordecai Richler once said, " The Americans can't enjoy a good Cuban cigar, but they've somehow let this abomination slip through."

62. Government cheese

61. Good Housekeeping: The magazine, not the practice of maintaining a home.

60. Dehumidifiers